Look, nobody in the entire global planet of Earth is giving the Indianapolis Colts a chance this Sunday Night when they take on the New England Patriots. Hell it probably even goes beyond that, I’m sure there are some astronauts out there that follow football. They’re picking the Patriots as well. I’m not even sure if people in Indianapolis have a good feeling about this game. They haven’t been playing great, their quarterback is banged up, and it seems like Tom Brady and his teammates are on a mission.
But fear not Colts fans – I am here to tell you that there is a way – nay I say many ways – in which the Colts can come out on top on Sunday Night Football. In fact, I think there are actually 10 ways 7 ways that Indianapolis can hand the Patriots their first loss of the season.
07. The Patriots Oversleep
Everybody knows that Indianapolis night life is second to none. Whether it’s the famous St. Elmo’s Steak House, or that Hooters that’s attached to a Spaghetti Factory around the corner, the fun never stops in the Circle City. We all know that the Patriots have some young players that like to have a good time and…Okay, it’s mostly Gronk – they have a Gronk that likes to gronk his Gronk off.
This could be bad news for the Patriots. If Gronk takes a few of his teammates out and they stay out way too late, partying in that Indy Scene, maybe the next day they wake up tired. Too tired. So tired in fact that they need to take a mid-day nap – and that nap goes way too long, and they end up 20 minutes late to the game.
The Colts can do a lot in 20 minutes without a team there to play against. They may even get a few field goals.
Some terrible sports writer would call it SleepGate.
06. Colts Owner Jim Irsay Frames Belichick Before Game By Leaving Dead Hooker In His Trunk
I’m just going to say it – Jim Irsay creeps me out. Hell, I’m sure when he gets home after a long night and slunks by the many full-length mirrors he has in his mansion, he takes a quick glance and creeps himself out. So I wouldn’t say it’s completely beyond the realm of possibility that Irsay attempts to get Bill Belichick arrested by leaving at least one dead hooker in the trunk of Belichick’s Ford Taurus rental.
And I would also have to assume that Ryan Grigson would have been generally aware.
Lord knows it wouldn’t be the first time something like this happened.
Some terrible sports writer would call it HookerGate.
05. Belichick Gets Hit in the Head by a Falling Coconut, Forgets What Football Is
I call this the movie reason. You know how in a lot of movies, people get hit in the head and lose their memory? Well those accounts are 100% medically accurate, and the worst culprit of this is falling coconuts.
Now, of course Indianapolis is not known for it’s coconut trees, but a little known fact – Bill Belichick is a coconut tree aficionado. In fact, part of his contract with Bob Kraft is that on away games his hotel room must have a ceiling tall enough so that a fully grown coconut tree can fit in the room – and of course a tree must be flown in from Bill’s private island.
So with those true facts out of the way, it’s reasonable to think that Bill might wake up in the middle of the night on Saturday night, and in the dark he clumsily walks right into the coconut tree on his way to the bathroom. The tree is jarred just enough so that a single coconut falls on Bill’s head and knocks him out.
When Bill awakens, he thinks he’s men’s lacrosse coach at Rutgers University and has no idea what football even is. This being the movie reason, nobody figures this out in time and Bill still find himself out on some grassy field, wearing some strange hoodie, and for some reason he’s in charge of all these men playing this strange game.
By the time we figure out what happens, it’s too late. The Patriots have lost. Luckily for Bills sake, the way to regain his memory is the same way he lost it, and a sad Gronk spikes a coconut onto his coach’s head – returning his memory, just in time to realize his team had lost.
Some terrible sports writer would call it CoconutGate.
04. Roger Goodell awards Colts victory for team wearing wrong socks.
It’s well known that the NFL is a stickler for their rules, unless of course the refs don’t know them, in which case, they don’t really apply. But when it comes to proper uniforms, there isn’t stitch out of place that goes unnoticed. You can wear pink in the designated month of October, but don’t you dare attempt to wear it all year. And how dare you try to circumvent the rules by wearing unapproved eye black.
But guess what? We all know the New England Patriots feel like the rules don’t apply to them, so would it be a complete shocker if Patriots players decided Sunday Night was “Wear Whatever Socks You Want Night” where they wore whatever socks they wanted!?
Of course not. Now the player who wanted to wear pink as a dedicated to his mother? He was told know. The player who wanted to wear eye black as a dedication to his father? He was also told no way. What do these players have in common? They’re both Steelers, and they both begrudgingly listened.
But if the Patriots did it? Well, we know that there must be some competitive advantage to it, and there must be a precedent set to ensure such unruly acts never happen again.
Some terrible sports writer would call it SockGate.
03. Tom Brady is kidnapped by Crazy Colts Fan.
There are obviously some crazy people in Indianapolis. Hi Gregg Doyel, I’m talking about you dumb dumb. But I’m sure you’re not the only one. There are others out there that read your garbage and think it’s not only enjoyable, but also spot on. I imagine one of these crazies would do everything she can (I’m going with a she here because all I am picturing is Kathy Bates) to find the hotel that Brady is staying in, I’m sure there are only so many to choose from.
She already has chloroform in the trunk of her Subaru, along with a Colts blanket. So if she can time it just right, maybe while Brady heading out of his room late to solve crimes and save lives (because that’s what superheroes do), she can get the jump on him, knock him out, and drag him him out to her ’07 Outback, get him back to her apartment.
She’d chain him up to her radiator and feed him nothing but Frosted Flakes and Coca-Cola. By Monday she will have seen the error of her ways, and let Brady go – plus she didn’t want to leave him alone and she needed to get to the library to check her email. But it would be too late. Without their star quarterback, the Patriots would be unable to pull out a victory.
Some terrible sports writer would call it KidnapGate. Gregg Doyal would call it justice.
02. Coaching Staff Accidentally Holds All Play Sheets Upside Down
Nothing is going right for New England on Sunday night. Brady keep dropping forward, knocking straight into his offensive line and falling down. The defense keeps running towards the line of scrimmage, while Colt receivers run right past them and are wide open. Every punt results in a safety, every run in a loss of downs.
In those all important halftime adjustments, both offensive and defensive coordinator compare notes and then stop, and while staring at each other slowly realize that the play sheets they’ve been using all night are in fact upside down. Like sad little puppy dogs, they brought this to the attention of Bill Belichick who, while drinking straight from a fresh coconut, mumbles something incoherent.
At this point, with the team down 64-0, it would too insurmountable a hill to climb, and the Patriots would wind up losing 64-63.
Some terrible sports writer would call it PlayGate.
01. The Colts Outplay the Patriots
Okay, I saved the craziest for last. What if the Colts just played better than the Patriots on Sunday night? After everything that has been said about the Patriots, everything they and Tom Brady have been accused on, and with how good they are playing and how mediocre the Colts are playing, I really think it’s not a matter of if they win but how much they win by.
But what if they just lay an egg and Luck finds his footing and blows them away? Well, if that happens – then this article becomes accurate and correct and I become a football insider.
And I am almost 100% positive that it won’t happen. So positive that I couldn’t even come up with 10 fake reasons they would win, I needed to settle for 7 – and really the first 6 of them have a better chance of happening than this one.
But if it does – some terrible sports writer would say they knew the Colts had it the entire time…
